Are you dressed?
Yes, I am.
You're going to a wedding without pants?
You bet. Let 'em see who the best man really is.
Oh. Fumble.
Look at this. The minute you come in, they fumble. See what you did, honey?
- I'm not waiting for you. - Sure you will.
- You wanna bet? - Look, honey, if we're early...
you're just gonna have a half an hour of me going, "Look, honey, we're early."
Know what?
I'm gonna risk it.
Anyway, all I got left is my bow tie, which you have to do for me anyway...
so, technically, I'm waiting for you.
- Long ones or short ones? - Long ones.
- You think? - With all my heart.
- I think the short ones. - That's what I'm here for.
Tell me why
I love you like I do
Tell me who
Can start my heart as much as you
Let's take each other's hand
As we jump into the final frontier
I'm mad about you, baby
Yeah
I'm mad about you
I gotta tell you, a tuxedo in the afternoon, it's a little unsettling.
- It's their wedding. - I'm not complaining.
What did we decide?
Well, I've narrowed it down to either the crock pot...
the blender or a nice assortment of fondue sets.
- What if they try to return it? - We couldn't. What chance do they have?
You know what? Here's a nice loser gift.
- How about like a nutpick? - No.
- Why not? - Because we need a nutpick.
For what?
What if we have company and somebody wants to pick a nut?
I wasn't thinking. That's a good point. We'll give 'em the nutpick.
- Never. How about the pasta maker? - Are you kidding me?
- We've never made pasta once. - I know, but we might.
We might make pasta. Just the thought...
that pasta could theoretically be made in this house excites me no end.
- It helps me feel Italian. - You like to feel Italian.
I really do. Yes.
- So what do you think they'd like? - I have no idea.
They're the most unlikely couple. She's so... and he's so...
He's your friend.
She's your friend. What are you looking at me?
- I can't believe I'm not a bridesmaid. - Honey, drop it, please.
- I talked her through Weight Watchers. - Sweetie...
Her cousin Cheryl is a bridesmaid. She hasn't seen her in eight years.
- No kidding. I'm begging you. Drop it. - All right. All right.
- Let's give them the pasta maker. - All right. Good.
No, I want the pasta maker.
It was worth a shot.
You know what? We can't give them the pasta maker anyway.
- Why not? - Because they gave it to us.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
- God, they're cheap. - That's what I'm saying.
- Come here. Look at you. - What?
What? What are you staring at?
I'm just admiring a beautiful girl who married me for some reason.
- All right. Give them the nutpick. - Thank you.
That was the longest ceremony in history.
Aren't you glad we're late, huh?
- Oh, my God. - What's the matter?
The tablecloths. What was she thinking?
Hey, pal, I don't see anybody else here in a tuxedo.
- What about that guy? - He's a waiter.
- It said black-tie optional. - Well, I think I opted wrong.
Honey, you look great.
Get back to work. Table seven needs butter.
So shoot me.
You wanna go get the receiving line over with?
Let's wait until it thins out. I'm starving.
You're the one who said don't eat at home before the wedding.
- Aren't you hungry? - I ate at home before the wedding.
Honey, look, look.
- He had little tan things. - All right.
We'll get you something.
There he is.
I can't believe you got them to hire your cousin Ira.
Would you listen to me? Ira did not ruin our wedding.
- Of course not. - He said your grandmother started that.
- Right there. Honey, right there. - Oh, well.
This is the most disorganized affair.
I had our wedding moving like a Swiss clock.
Ceremony, reception, cake. You're out of there.
Well, you are an exceptional woman, see.
- Look where they have us sitting. - Bad?
Cousins and camp friends.
- That's no good. - She's had a lot on her mind.
I get the feeling we're upsetting some very organized plans here.
We're doing her a favor. Everyone will have a much better time this way.
Hello.
Thank you. Just one...
Thank you.
These are great. Why didn't we have these at our wedding?
- These were just invented. - Hey, hey.
- Look at you two. - Ira.
- And they said it wouldn't last. - Who did?
I did.
- How's your grandmother? Better? - She's fine. Thank you.
Hey, come on. Ira, cut it out.
Ira, no kidding. I'm gonna punch you right in the head.
You're a tough guy. He's a very tough guy.
Hey. We missed you at Aunt Selma's.
- Oh, yeah, you know... - Boy, was she peeved.
Was she?
- Very peeved. - Which one is Selma?
The most powerful woman in Sheepshead Bay.
They say she once stopped a subway with her foot.
- I'll give her a call. - Yeah, I would.
What do we know about the bridesmaids?
I wasn't asked.
No, I'm saying available, not available?
Music lover? What? I tell ya, the tall one...
- she gave me a look. - Who? Cheryl?
Thank you.
There's the bride's parents. Did you wanna say hello?
She looks beautiful.
- Sure. - Just the way a bride should look.
Yep.
You were much prettier.
- Good for you. - I'm learning.
Honey? Do you like her dress?
I do?
- Hi. - Hi.
- Congratulations. - Everything was perfect.
It was just a beautiful wedding. I'm sure they'll be very happy.
If the two of them can live together in that apartment...
for a year and a half without killing each other, they're gonna be fine.
- Excuse us. - You've lived together for a year now?
Who was that?
- That was her father. - So what?
He didn't know they were living together.
- Get out of here. - I'm serious.
- Everybody knows that. - Yeah, they do now.
- Why didn't you tell me that? - I didn't think you'd open with that.
Well, you know what?
That's what people get for keeping secrets.
- You're unbelievable. - What's the difference?
They're married now. Who's gonna care?
- I didn't know. - Really. He didn't.
- Nobody told me it was a secret. - I'm sure your father will be fine.
Now, when you say he has a heart condition...
Just to clarify.
Go away.
- Smooth move, Sparky. - Did you know?
- Everybody knew. - I didn't know.
How comeJamie doesn't like me?
- Where do you get that? - Cheryl said.
- What she say? - She said that I'm ubiquitous.
- Jamie said that? - No, no. I made it up.
Yes. Jamie told Cheryl I'm ubiquitous.
- I'm not so sure that's bad. - Yeah? Find out for me.
- I will do that. - Oh, did your mom tell you?
- I'm trying to cut a record. - Ira, I can't.
- I'm not investing. - Well, you didn't even hear.
I didn't get my money back from your last three demos.
Well, one more we got a box set.
- Let me think about it. - No what?
- We're not thinking about it. - You didn't even hear.
- Did we miss food? - I think so. How is the bride doing?
She's throwing up and everybody hates us.
- That's nice. - I know how to liven this room up.
- Come on. You guys start. - Start what?
Oh, no.
- You think this is working? - It's hard to say.
Meow.
- I'm gonna go rally the crowd. - What am I gonna do?
- Keep dancing. - Myself?
Meow.
Is that really necessary?
- Hey, hey, hey. Where did you go? - I found olives.
- Look at this. Now everybody's dancing. - Sure. We're gone.
I don't believe that... How... I'm the bad guy. I love that. I'm the bad guy.
She lies to her parents and suddenly I'm the bad guy?
Not her parents. Her father. Her mother knew.
- And she didn't tell the father? - No. It was a secret.
- I don't get that. I don't get that. - What?
How could she live like that? I'm not saying... I'm not judging, mind you.
- I'm just saying it's wrong. - Like you have no secrets.
- Not from you. - Come on!
I don't.
How about a couple of years ago when you told me you had to work on a Sunday...
but you went to Atlantic City with Ira and lost $400?
- You knew about that? - Eventually.
- Well, then, it's not a secret, is it? - Oh, please.
Wait a second. Wait a second. Technically speaking...
if you knew about that the whole time...
and you didn't tell me that you knew, that would make it your secret.
- Yeah. So? - So...
Hey there. How are you?
Fine. How are you? Good to see you. How you doing? You look great.
- You feeling well? - We feel great.
Good, 'cause you look great. Good to see you.
- Great. - Good, good, good. Good to see you.
- Who was that? - I have no idea.
I'm just so happy somebody's still talking to us.
So let me get this. So you have secrets?
You tell me everything, right?
- Yes. - Okay.
No, not everything.
- But you wouldn't call those secrets? - They're just things I don't tell you.
- I'm feeling very unsettled here. - I know. It's the tux.
- Why wouldn't you tell me things? - Not things. Just some things.
- I know. I understand. But why? - Because they're mine.
Okay. Fair enough.
Could you just give me one example?
- Just to clarify. - Stop it.
- But why? - It's nothing.
So there is an it. I'm asking you, is it a big it or a little it?
- Just tell me what it is. - Excuse me. Miss?
This waiter is really bothering me.
- I was just asking. - Well, stop asking.
You tell me you have secrets and you think I'm not gonna be curious?
I never ask you to tell me everything, do I?
- No. What, are you having an affair? - No.
So then what? You bought a hat?
Yeah, that's it, honey. I bought a hat. What am I, Lucy?
All right. So it's bigger than a hat. Is it my mother?
- What are you talking about? - She's bigger than a hat.
- You're telling me. - Last April...
when she got food poisoning at our place, you did that on purpose?
- You cooked the fish. - Oh, that's true.
Well, did I leave you alone in the kitchen at any point?
I did not try to kill your mother.
- Did you ever consider it? - Of course. That's no secret.
I just wish you'd give me some kind of general area here.
- Is it animal? - No.
- Is it vegetable? - No.
- Mineral? - Stop it.
I think these are very good questions.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Dinnertime.
Honey, food.
- How you doing? - Great.
- Good. - Call us sometimes. We have a phone.
Okay. Good, good, good. Here.
Hi, everybody.
Yeah. Hi.
All right. So all we know is...
this is something bigger than a... bigger than a hat, smaller than my mother.
- Please don't do this. - I hate not knowing things.
- Come here. You're all cockeyed. - Just tell me.
- You think I can't handle it? - It's not that. Lipstick?
Fine. I can handle it. Whatever it is, I can handle it.
You know... Just anything. Trust me.
Tell me the worst thing about yourself and watch how I love you.
I love you too, so let's not do this.
- And on three, everybody. - Fine.
- One, two, three. - When exactly was this horrible thing?
- Fish, chicken or beef. - I'm not hungry.
- Well, eat something. - I'll have the beef.
- Don't have the beef. - The fish.
- We're out of fish. - I'm not hungry.
- Well, suit yourself. - I'll have the beef.
Good choice.
- Sure you don't wanna eat something? - No. I'll eat this guy's arm here.
Can you just tell me when this thing happened?
Was this like since we've been married?
- No. - Okay. So when?
Before that.
So you're talking about like when we just started going out?
After that.
After we're engaged?
Before that.
So this is like before we got serious?
A little bit after.
Is this like after we moved in together?
Teeny bit before.
How teeny?
That teeny.
It was two weeks before we moved in together.
Okay. What was?
I had a date.
- So that's it? - Yes.
- You had a date? - Yes.
- That's the big secret? - Yes. Now, can we just forget it?
Yeah. Sure. Of course. Yes. See, I can handle that.
I'm handling it very nicely.
That's fine. I can handle it. You had a date. As long as you, you know...
I can handle that unless, you know... unless...
Yes, yes, what you're thinking, I did, yes.
What you're thinking, yes.
Ask the band. I don't know that song, "What you're thinking, I did, yes."
I think Marvin Hamlisch... Excuse me.
- I am so angry at you. - Well, gee, that makes a lot of sense.
You sat there and made me tell you this.
- I made you... - Hello. Can I get my coat, please?
- Where are you going? - To get some air. This is ridiculous.
Wait. Hold it one second. I'm stymied here. I don't even know where to start.
Excuse me.
- Hi, Cheryl. - Hi, Jamie.
- Who else knows about this? Fran? - No.
- Your sister? - Nobody, because I can keep a secret.
- All right. - This is the jacket I told you to get.
Yeah, I really care about the jacket. You tell Fran everything. I know it.
- Not this. - Why not?
Because I was embarrassed. It's the stupidest thing I ever did.
- Well, who was it? - It was nobody. It was nothing.
- Well, it sounds like something. - It was one afternoon.
What do you mean afternoon? Like on a weekday?
- What difference does that make? - I'm trying to paint the picture here.
- I can't even... Just... Who was it? - You don't know him.
Yeah, but we've shared so much.
What?
Three shopping bags from Lohman's and a hat.
Yeah.
Just tell me who it was.
You don't know him. It was somebody at the office.
- Who at the office? - It was nobody. You don't know him.
We had this stupid little crush.
He was just about to be transferred to England and...
Stan? Stan Franklin? I know Stan Franklin.
I hate Stan Fran... I can't believe you would do it with Stan Franklin.
Maybe it would help if you'd say Stan Franklin a few more times.
- Stan Franklin. - There was no hat.
- There has to be a hat. - She's saying there is no hat.
- I came with a hat. - Well, you're leaving without one.
Stan Franklin. I went to his going-away party.
- I'm sorry. - I brought the man fruit.
I'm sorry.
- Man. I gotta kill him. - Stop it.
- I'm gonna have him killed. - Stop it.
I'm gonna fly to England and I'm gonna kill him.
- Stop it. - What time would it be there now?
It was a stupid mistake. I knew that the minute it happened.
All it did was make me appreciate you more.
That's really nice to hear. I'm gonna send Stan a little gift.
Maybe a card. One of those "Hey, thanks for nailing my wife" things.
- I wasn't your wife yet. - Well, whatever.
Fine. What do you wanna do? Do you wanna yell at me, kill me, divorce me?
Keep going. You're unbeliev...
You don't think I could do that? You don't think opportunities come up?
- I don't wanna hear this. - There's nothing for you to hear...
because I didn't do anything.
Do you see the distinction here? My things didn't happen. Yours did.
So if there's nothing to say, then you don't have to say.
But if you did something, then you say. That's our rule, okay?
If you do, you say. If you don't do, you don't say.
- I have to go get my purse. - Just try saying that.
If you do, you say. You do, you say.
Just try it. You do, you say.
- You're gonna just keep walking away? - I'm sorry. I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to make this better. I wish it never happened.
- So do I. - That's why I didn't wanna tell you.
It was in the past. It was over. I didn't want it to exist for you.
If a tree falls on you in the forest and you don't hear it, it still hurts.
Excuse me. Are you kids driving back to the city?
No back seat. I'm sorry. Can you just tell me? Can you explain it to me?
I can't.
What would make you do something like this?
It was a long time ago.
Well, reminisce.
You really wanna know? The toaster.
I was gonna say.
I was packing up my old apartment. This was right before we moved in together.
And I saw the toaster.
And I thought, "I'm about to own a toaster with somebody."
I realized that I would never again be able to make toast...
exactly the way I like it.
Which I realize now, of course, was ridiculous.
I could wait till you made your toast or I could make my toast first...
but it wasn't so clear then.
Are you just making this up as you go along?
It's like a door was closing on a whole part of my life. I panicked.
Okay. But why didn't you just tell me two years ago?
If I did, would we be sitting here now?
Yes.
I'm not so sure.
Well, now we'll never know.
I'm gonna say some good-byes.
- What's the matter with you? - Cheryl dumped me.
It stings.
- You know her 45 minutes. - The first 20 were beautiful.
I thought we had something. You two? Very lucky.
- Can we get out of here, please? - Yes.
Ladies and gentlemen, would I not be remiss...
if I did not point out to you the two people responsible...
for bringing together tonight's bride and groom.
Here to lead us in our next dance, a great couple...
no matter what you think... Paul and Jamie Buchman.
So you're saying it was the toaster.
Meow!
Now.
Meow!